Last Friday I spent the better part of five hours laying
perfectly still while absorbing immense amounts of energy. I had fasted of all food and drink before
hand to enhance the effects of the session.
By the end of it, I was so pulsing with radiation that I couldn’t be
around kids or pregnant women for 10 hours.
If it sounds like some new age healing, perhaps that isn’t too far off,
but the machine shooting radiation into me was not treating me, it was peering
into body, looking for cancer. Today I
meet the doctor to find out the results.
It is quite peculiar the range of internal reactions I have
anticipating the results. Perhaps the most
curious part of it all is the part of me that would welcome the cancer being
back. Seriously. What is that? I don’t feel the need to assure all of you that
I do not have a death wish, that I want to live, but to say that part of me
would welcome the cancer’s return is…well strange I suppose.
Amongst the multiple reactions she carries, Jamie finds a similar
sentiment, a curious anticipation of that which could limit my lifespan, (yes I
know, insert punch line here) …so it isn’t just me…and the more I think about
it the more it makes sense and I’m grateful for this voice in me. It is Wisdom speaking, it is God showing up,
it is a voice that should be welcomed, honored and most importantly heeded. This Siren call, I believe, is present in all
of us but is usually overwhelmed by the fear that listening to such a seemingly
dark presence will lead down the rabbit hole.
I guess it might lead into a turbulent journey. But that would not be a bad thing. And I’m convinced that this comfort with
death, is actually Light not darkness.
So what is it? What
is it saying?
This weekend we had some friends drop by. They are so easy to be with, so relaxing, pleasurable,
and by many measures are thriving in life.
Their careers (though demanding) are both skyrocketing, they live in a
beautiful home, have a great family—by all accounts we all should be so lucky
as to be them. But he made an interesting
side comment in passing: that life seemed to be going too fast. He reflected that they were so busy with
parenting, with work, with the stuff of life, that…well it just seemed to all be
going so fast. I was left with the
impression that it was passing him by, like he was watching a movie of his
life, that he was so busy that he didn’t have the time/space to experience his
experience. And there was a note of
dissatisfaction in this, which perhaps I was projecting into his words, but nevertheless
seemed to be there. As if he was feeling
like he had been arriving at a future he had always wanted, but it didn’t feel how he had imagined it would.
Even if I’m wrong about what I think he specifically is
feeling (and he’ll forgive me where I’m wrong) I doubt that this isn’t far off
of where many of us are. This is life
living in the tyranny of an infinite future.
Living with an eye towards tomorrow, towards what’s next, towards
building a better future, is so powerful as to pull us forever from the moment
at hand.
It seems that the two easiest ways to miss out on life is to
live in the past or in the future. Many
of us end up doing both. We spend the
first half of our lives living for tomorrow, and the second half of life
reminiscing about yesterday. Much if not
most of religion only adds to this dynamic.
When I think of Christianity, which is the religion with
which I have the most familiarity, many adherents seem to be so preoccupied
with some heaven or hell that is occurring in the next life, that they are
almost distracted from the life that is happening right here and right
now. Talk about an adventure in missing
the point.
The Teacher seemed to always pointing to what he called The
Kingdom of Heaven or the Kingdom of God (which was his way of describing this
other ethos, this other way of being with each other, this other culture of
love). He seemed to always be saying
that it was “at hand,” that it was available now for the taking, that he wanted
people to have amazing lives now, that intimacy, love, joy, were not just for
some future life.
It doesn’t make sense that people are Christians because of events
that they think occurred 2,000 years ago...whatever happened back then is ancient
history. Be a Christian because of God’s
interactions with you in your lifetime and even in this very moment, and let that
give meaning and shape to the heritage of history. What good is a God that was interacting with
people 2,000 years ago and then went back up into the clouds, waiting for his
followers to die so they could join him?
I want mine to abide with me here and now. If God is not here now, God is nowhere…and
God is here, the Christ abides.
It wasn’t just Jesus. All great spirituality, all great
spiritual teachers of all manner of faith traditions point to the now as the
place where it is all at, where it is all available, where we are to live and
breathe and enter the divine mystery.
“Knowing that all thought is reactive and one step behind
the present moment, we may begin to just listen, to observe without reaction.
In this quiet, listening mind, something Real has the possibility of entering.” -Bob Fergeson
This is one portion of the gift of cancer. This is the gift of having your days numbered. When you are forced to live in a boundaried
space of time, you are forced into the now.
It is so hard to stay in the now on your own, without some outside force
being forced upon you.
This past summer was luminous, it was vivid, the whole of creation
throbbed and pulsed in and around me.
Colors were brighter, food tasted better, I was more in union with the world. Plans of the future were put on the back
burner, career goals were subordinated, all that mattered was being present to
what was in front of me, to those around me.
As the risks of cancer subsided so to did those days of
luminosity. It is amazing how quickly
they fade. My goals for 2014 involve a
number of future oriented topics, like business plans, visions for helping my
community, hopes for being an impactful man, father, husband…all good things,
but also things that are too concerned about the days ahead, not the day at
hand. The more I move back into old modes
of planning out a long, healthy, prosperous life, the more I feel old anxieties
return and the Life Source which was burning hot begins to ebb. Have I learned nothing?
My Teacher has said to not worry about these things, that
who by worrying about them can add a single hour to her life? He says to not worry about food and clothing,
that the flowers in the fields are dressed in beauty and the birds are fed and
we are more important and will likewise be taken care of. Too often I live like this is a naïve, childish,
and utterly impractical teaching that doesn’t work in the real world…and yet as
I think about the great ones, whether Jesus, Paul, Francis, Rumi, Gandhi, Theresa,
perhaps Pope Francis, and many, many more, what was “practical” doesn’t seem to concern
them much.
Both Jamie and I can sense the very real energy that comes
from living in the here and now; it is tapping into life itself. We move from saying prayers to being a prayer, we move and live and
love somewhat conscious of the divine DNA that is connecting us to everything
and everyone. This is being in the cosmic Christ that St. John
called the Logos that both created the world and then became flesh and blood.
No wonder the return of cancer has some strange appeal. We all thrive when we live in the now, no
matter what it is that forced us there. It
is why cancer wards are pulsing with life, even while death is a very present
reality. It is why people who are dying
often are transformed into more beautiful humans than they ever were for the previous
decades, as if they finally have eyes to see what is truly important. If we fight death and go only kicking and
screaming, we may miss the gift. If we
let go and embrace what it offers, we will be lifted up. But why don’t I remain in Life’s flow
volitionally? For me it has always been
three steps deeper into Life and then two big steps back…I wish it weren’t so,
that I could enter into Life through Beauty and not suffering, but I guess I
ought to just be grateful for whatever path gets me there, even if it is
cancer...
I don’t think the cancer is coming back…the scan today
showed one swollen node in my neck, but that is hopefully due to a recent cold,
not my cancer...time will tell. If the last few days have
anything to say for Jamie and I, we don’t really need the cancer to come back
to remind us to live in the now…just having these damn scans on a regular basis
will be enough of a reminder for the both of us.
QUIETNESS
Inside this new love, die.
Your way begins on the other side. Become the sky.
Take an axe to the prison wall.
Escape.
Walk out like someone suddenly born into color.
Do it now.
You’re covered with thick cloud. Slide out the side.
Die, and be quiet.
Quietness is the surest sign that you’ve died.
Your old life was a frantic running from silence.
The speechless full moon comes out now.
-Rumi, as translated by Coleman Barks
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